A while back I wrote a post titled 5 Toxic Relationship Habits most of the people Think Are Normal. within the months since I published it, the article has attracted plenty of comments–and you recognize it’s hit a nerve when big, grown-up websites who get paid to post smart grown-up things ask if they will copy/paste it, ostensibly to form a bunch of advertising money off people acting like assholes in their comment sections.
(I know, I’m such a sellout.)
But I feel it’s helped tons of individuals. Since writing it, I’ve received a staggering number of many thanks emails, and around twenty-four people told me that it had inspired them to
end a relationship (or even during a few cases, a marriage). It seems it served as a sort of warning call to finally abandon and accept that sometimes, relationships can gag you with a shit-spoon.
(So, I assume I’m a home-wrecker and a sellout. Sweet.)
But alongside the praise, I also received plenty of questions like, “So if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a cheerful and healthy relationship?” and “Where’s a piece of writing on what makes a relationship great?” and “Mark, how did you get so handsome?”
These are important questions. and that they deserve answers.
Granted, in my younger years I had much more experience screwing up relationships than making them work well, but within the years since I’ve begun to catch on more right than wrong (yes, Fernanda???), so I didn’t want to only write yet one more “learn to speak and cuddle and watch sunsets and play with puppies together” type post. Honestly, those posts suck. If you’re keen on your partner, you shouldn’t need to be told to carry hands and watch sunsets together–it should be automatic.
I wanted to write down something different. I wanted to write down about issues that are important in relationships but are harder to face–things just like the role of fighting, hurting each other’s feelings, handling dissatisfaction, or feeling the occasional attraction for people. These are normal relationship issues that don’t get talked about because it’s far easier to speak about puppies and sunsets.
And so, I wrote this, that first article’s bizarro twin brother. That article explained that a lot of our culture’s tacitly accepted relationship habits secretly erode intimacy, trust, and happiness. This text explains how features that are inconsistent with our traditional narration of what love is and what love should be are the necessary ingredients for a successful lasting relationship.
1. Leaving Some Conflicts Unresolved
There’s this guy by the name of John Gottman–he’s just like the Michael Jordan of relationship research. Not only has he been studying intimate relationships for quite forty years, but he practically invented the sector.
Gottman devised the method of “thin-slicing” relationships, a way where he hooks couples up to a series of biometric devices then record them having short conversations. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame, watching biometric data, visual communication, tonality, and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.
His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wedd couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research (Malcolm Gladwell discusses Gottman’s findings in his bestselling book, Blink.) Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional guidance. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the themes of intimate relationships, marital therapy, and therefore the science of trust.
The point is when it involves understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face then sneers at you afterward.
And the very first thing Gottman says in most of his books is the thought that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems may be a myth.
In his research of thousands of happily married couples, several who are married for forty plus years, he repeatedly found that the majority successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for many years. Meanwhile, many unsuccessful husbands insisted on solving everything silly because they believed that there should not be a disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a barren of a relationship, too.
Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there’ll always be sure things they don’t like about their partner, or things they don’t agree with–all that’s fine. You shouldn’t get to feel the necessity to vary somebody to like them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get within the way of what’s otherwise a cheerful and healthy relationship.
Sometimes, trying to resolve a conflict can create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes, the foremost optimal relationship strategy is one among live and let live.
2. Willing To Hurt All Other People’s Feelings
My wife spends tons of your time ahead of the mirror because she cares about how she looks. Nights before we leave, she often comes out of the toilet after an hour-long makeup/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous, but every once during a while, she tries to try to do something new together with her hair or is wearing a pair of trainers that some flamboyant dressmaker from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.
When I tell her this, she usually gets annoyed. And as she marches back to the closet to redo everything and make us half-hour late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words (fortunately, they’re in Portuguese) and sometimes even slings a couple of of them at me.
Men often dwell this example to form their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than being satisfied all the time. The last person I should ever need to censor myself with is that the woman I like.
Fortunately, I date a lady who agrees that we should always always be honest. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s one of the foremost important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and that I bitch and complain and check out to argue, but a couple of hours later I usually come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a far better person albeit I hated hearing her truth-telling at the time.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good or to always make our partner feel good, then more often than nobody finishes up feeling good. And our relationships disintegrate without us even knowing it.
It’s important to form something more important in your relationship than merely making one another feel good all of the time. The feeling-good–the sunsets and puppies–they happen once you get the important stuff figured out: values, needs, and trust.
If I feel smothered and need longer alone, I want to be capable of claiming that without blaming her and she or he must be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it’s going to cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she must be capable of claiming it without blaming me and that I got to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it’s going to generate.
These conversations are crucial if we would like we maintain a healthy relationship, one that meets both people’s needs. Without them, lose track of 1 another.
3. BEING WILLING to finish IT
Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any movie with romance at its center and it’s sure to feature a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being crazy with someone.
The truth is that our standards of what a “successful relationship” should be have been corrupted. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, no matter the emotional or practical circumstances present within the person’s lives. And that’s quite insane.
Romeo and Juliet were originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and the way irrational beliefs about relationships can cause you to do stupid shit Like drinking poison because your parents don’t like my dad, some girls. But somehow, we’ve come to consider the play as romantic. It’s this type of irrational idealization that leads people to remain with partners who treat them like shit, to offer abreast of their own needs and identities, to form themselves into perpetually miserable martyrs, to suppress their pain and suffering within the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”
Sometimes the sole thing which will make a relationship successful is ending it at the required time before it becomes too damaging. and therefore the willingness to try to that permits us to determine the required boundaries to assist ourselves and our partner join.
“Shoot myself to like you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”
– Marilyn Manson
“Until death does us part” is romantic and everything, but once we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves than our values than our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability.
we’ve no reason to figure on ourselves and grow because our partner has got to be there regardless of what. And our partner has no reason to figure on themselves and grow because we’re getting to be there regardless of what. This all invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.
4. SPENDING TIME APART
We all have this friend who mysteriously ceases to exist once he gets into a relationship. You see it all the time: the person who meets someone and stops playing basketball and hanging out together with his friends, or the lady who suddenly decides she loves every magazine and computer game her partner likes albeit she doesn’t skill to properly hold the Xbox controller. And it’s troubling, not only for us except for them.
Crazy girlfriend isn’t during a healthy relationship
When we fall crazy we develop irrational beliefs and desires. one among these desires is to permit our lives to be consumed by the person with whom we’re infatuated. This feels great–it’s intoxicating in much of an equivalent way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). the matter only arises when this happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you modify to be closer to the person you’re keen on, you cease to be the person they fell crazy within the first place.
It’s important to sometimes get a long way from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are yours alone. Have some separate friends; take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself; remember what made you and what drew you to your partner within the first place. Without this oxygen to breathe, the hearth between the 2 of you’ll die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.
5. ACCEPTING YOUR PARTNER’S FLAWS
In his novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera says there are two sorts of womanizers: 1) men who are trying to find the right woman and may never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that each woman they meet is already perfect.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but almost anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either attempt to make their partner perfect by “fixing” them or changing them, or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that are not nearly as complicated because it appears. Let’s break it down:
Every person has flaws and imperfections.
You can’t ever force an individual to vary.
Therefore: you want to date somebody who has flaws you’ll accept or maybe appreciate.
The most accurate metric for your love of someone is how you are feeling about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore a number of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and that they can accept and even adore a number of your shortcomings, well, that’s a symbol of true intimacy.
One of the simplest (and earliest!) expressions of this concept came from Plato within the sort of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and that they were powerful, so powerful that they rose and challenged the gods themselves.
This posed a drag for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out humanity as they’d haven’t anyone to rule over, but they also had to try to do something to humble and distract humanity.
So, Zeus split each human into a person and a lady and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the planet trying to find their spouse, the half that might make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness would come not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.
The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. and therefore the best love works when our irrationalities complement each other, and our flaws enamor each other.
It may be our perfections that attract each other in the first place. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether or not we stick together.
Related: 19 Signs Your Partner Is Controlling
Thank you for continue reading please don’t forget to share this article with your friends